If someone asked me how I felt right now, I wouldn't know how to respond.
I think the most honest answer that I could give is that I feel like a normal human being with a complex bag of emotions. It’s like all of my emotions are mixing inside of me in this primordial ooze, and some bubble to the surface at certain times of the day and not at others. So I’m neither in a negative or positive emotional state. It’s like the colorful emotions inside of me meet and recompose into this white light of feeling generally ok-ish.
I’m relieved because school (something that I’ve done basically since cognitive awareness) is about to be over. I get to own my schedule moving forward, and I’ll have the bandwidth to focus on a few things that I care about.
I’m scared of the unknown, both personally and professionally. I’m scared to face the world as an autonomous, uncoupled individual without my partner in crime. I’m scared of the uncertainty of my career path. I’m getting closer to defining what I want to work on, but I don’t have anything official lined up.
I’m excited to pursue creative side projects (i.e. printmaking, vocal lessons, and dance) and have a consistent workout routine. Printmaking is something I’m especially passionate about, and there may be an online store coming soon.
I’m excited that the person I love and I will have time to focus on our respective Goliaths and grow into better people, while still being in each others’ lives. I hope that we’ll be able to achieve that ever elusive rhythm on our own.
I’m excited to start my job “discovery” and see what’s out there.
I’m not sure if sad is the right word, but I feel this sense of nostalgia for what has passed and is passing – all that I’ve done, experienced, and felt. Maybe this is the closest I’ve felt to saudade. And I’m sad about separating from a loved one.
I’m not worried if I’ll be ok or not. The answer is of course I’ll be ok. And I’m grateful that I’m in a position to even say that. I feel so blessed to have been able to put myself through college and graduate without college debt. I’m unchained in a way that most of my peers are not. I’m also grateful for my community of family and friends for taking care of me and sharing life’s moments with me.
So what’s next?
This is my last week of school, and I graduate in 2 weeks. Ideally, I’m continuing with my internship in June, spending time with family in July, and backpacking through Southeast Asia in August.
Afterwards, everything is a big question mark… but I’m proud of myself for being ok(ish) with uncertainty.
Wish me luck, ya’ll.